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About six months after we opened our marriage, my husband, David, stopped me at the door as I was leaving for the night.
A shocked expression painted his face. Yes, Randy and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. I was on my way out to see him at that very moment. But why was my husband surprised by this? It was David’s idea to open our marriage, and wasn’t this always one of the risks – that I might get serious with someone else?
While open marriages are becoming more and more popular in our society, with 24% of Americans agreeing that society can benefit from moving toward an open style of monogamy, in our case this type of relationship was only pushing our marriage closer to its breaking point. My husband was not happy when he learned I’d fallen for another man.
Why we opened our marriage
David and I first decided to open our marriage after years of marital strife. We had two children with different special needs who necessitated a lot of attention. A lot of my attention.
Modern woman though I might be, I soon found myself solely in charge of raising our two children while David relaxed. He’d been out of work for a couple of years and wasn’t looking for a new job, all the while we plunged deeper into dire financial straits.
Not exactly the stuff that stokes the fires of a woman’s libido. I was rarely in the mood for sex. Instead, I collapsed into bed after one stressful day after another, dealing with the kids and all the housework, cleaning up after my blissfully unemployed husband.
I felt emotionally neglected, put-upon, and humiliated as he asked for handouts from his wealthy family while I struggled with freelance work. We ended up in marriage therapy. After arguing our way through one session, my husband asked if I wanted to open our marriage.
I’d heard that more and more people were doing this and reaping the benefits of closer connections and renewed passion. But us? Despite my growing disinterest with my husband, I couldn’t imagine us dating other people while we were married to each other. So, initally, I refused.
Instead, I concentrated on rebuilding beste datingside Hong Kong intimacy in our relationship. But then, one night, I initiated sex only to feel disgusted afterward. That was the last straw. I told David we could open our marriage.
At first, dating other men was exhilarating. It made me feel like I was young again – young and single. But the purpose of opening our marriage was to bring us closer, so I waited for this to happen for David and me. It never did. Dating other people just frayed what little connection we still had left.
I wasn’t jealous of the other women David was seeing. Instead, I just felt more distant from him. One night, after one of his dates, he slipped into bed beside me. I could smell her perfume on him. He reached to caress my leg, and I pushed him away.
I fell for another man
When Randy and I first matched on Tinder, sparks flew. He lived nearby, and we quickly eased into a routine. I never lied to David. He knew where I was going almost every night around 10 p.m. when I’d leave him with our sleeping children to go to Randy’s place.
Randy and I would enjoy a beer, watch a movie, and then have sex. While I did sleep over, I left Randy’s early in the morning so I would be back home before the children woke up. It wasn’t the perfect arrangement, but after spending so much time with him, I couldn’t help but start to have serious feelings for Randy.
Because David and I had agreed to see other people – and because it was his idea to start with – I thought he wouldn’t have a problem with this. He clearly did.
When he expressed his dissatisfaction with my relationship with another man, I finally realized I had to get out of my e with another: I wanted to get more serious with Randy, now that I was going to be single again.
It didn’t go as planned. Though Randy had never expressed any issue with my marriage to another man, when I told him I was planning on leaving David and was available for a deeper commitment, he broke up with me.
Why I’m glad that my open marriage ended in divorce
Do I feel remorse that David and I opened our marriage, leading to our divorce and my getting dumped by the other man I was dating? It might surprise you, but my answer is no. I’m glad my marriage is over. David and I weren’t right for one another. Randy and I weren’t either. It’s also OK that he ended things with me.
Instead, I’m grateful for my experience with an open marriage, because it was the push I needed to leave David. For years, I was too scared to divorce him. I needed something – someone – to compel me into action. Opening my marriage and falling for Randy were the necessary events to catapult me out of my terrible circumstances.
Stagnating in an unhappy marriage was unhealthy for me. Subjecting our children to continual fighting was bad for them. David and I surely weren’t modeling good behavior for our kids. The best thing I could do for myself and my children was to divorce their father.
I also learned something about myself: I’m not wired for open relationships. I really just want to be in love with one person.
This doesn’t mean I think there’s anything wrong with open marriages. I don’t believe they always end in divorce. Some people have success with them. But I do think this is only when the relationship is strong and healthy.
I don’t doubt the future will bring even more open relationships in our society, but, I think people need to understand that consensual non-monogamy isn’t a cure-all. It can’t fix a relationship that’s already broken.